7 days

This morning I woke up at 7:30am and thought, "In one week and 10 minutes, I'll be starting the marathon."

It was an exciting and terrifying thought. I was quite excited to get outside and knock out my last 8 mile "long" run today. (Obviously the only reason I considered it "long" was because it was on Sunday, as the distance makes it more of a "medium" run for me.)

As I dressed for my run today, I sat down on the carpet to put my shoes on like I always do and Bella came and stood in my face like she always does, making it pretty difficult to put on my shoes. She knows when I'm putting on my running stuff. She starts to panic because she's worried I'm not taking her running with me (which is silly because I always do), so her solution is to stay as CLOSE to me as she possibly can (even if it means standing ON me) as I move about the house, readying myself and my equipment to run. She's so funny! I have to admit that I totally love that she does this. It is such amazing motivation to get out there and run!

Anyway, as I sat on the floor putting on my shoes, I felt a wave of sadness come over me about the fact that next Sunday, I have to run without Bella. Obviously, I've done other runs without her, but today the thought made me sad.

It also got me to thinking about this marathon training process. At the center of my being, I am a process person. I like the "getting there" part of a vacation equally as much as the "being there" part. I enjoyed the 12 months I spent diligently planning our wedding as much as I enjoyed the actual wedding day. But with exercise, I've always been a "hate the process" person who strictly did it for the weight loss or physical transformation. When I started last June, I think I thought that I'd enjoy the sense of accomplishment I'd get from finishing the marathon but that all the training leading up to it I'd just have to grit my teeth through.

In the start and really for most of the training, the joy in running came during the times that I WASN'T running. It came in planning my runs, calculating the time I would need, thinking about the last run, anticipating the next one. It meant smiling when I saw that my running shoes were getting a little worn or feeling smug when my legs felt sore. It meant passing on a dessert because I knew that I was going to run later in the day. It meant taking better care of myself because I wanted to be a better runner.

Slowly, tapping into the "process" of running meant enjoying and really looking forward to the solitude and darkness on my 5 am runs. It meant looking forward to the last stretch of my morning run so I could see what the sunrise would look like. It meant enjoying the llamas and the cows who I came to count on seeing on my long run. It meant anticipating the rhythm of the predictable neighborhood dogs that bark at us along the way. It meant looking forward to my Garmin reading 2 hours and thinking how long that is to actually run. It meant looking forward to feeling hungry on a run because my body was doing something hard enough to actually deserve food. It meant looking forward to feeling sweaty.

For as much of my life as I have spent admiring runners and reading about marathon training but not really doing anything to actively move toward achieving any goal in this direction, I am angry that I wasted so much time WANTING to be a runner instead of just REALLY listening to myself and my deepest desires to run. But, since I can't go back, I'm glad I did the only thing I could which is start my life as a runner. It didn't matter how much I weighed, how out of shape I was, what size pants I was wearing. I started where I was . . . and moved toward where I wanted to be. In time, maybe I'll be a runner with only 30 then 20 then 10 extra pounds of weight. Imagine how fast I'll be then!!

So anyway, I was thinking this morning about the fact that I wish that I'd savored the moment a little bit more during the training process. . . that I'd focused less on the marathon and more on the fact that I was MOVING. I think I've gotten a little bit better at that towards the end here. It mostly just feels like time is suspended while I run and for that brief time, I am passing the world by instead of it passing me by.

I feel like because of running, I'm a little more alive every day. I still feel lazy and unhealthy sometimes, and I still feel pessimistic and negative sometimes, but overall, I feel happier and more alive.

What I'm most looking forward to about next Sunday is that moment when I KNOW I'm going to finish. I'm not talking about seeing the finish line or anything like that. There comes a moment in each long run for me where it becomes absolutely apparent to me that the balance between the energy I have left and the miles that I have left is tipped in my favor and that I KNOW I'm going to finish. Of course, I'm not saying that when I start a long run, I don't know whether or not I'm going to finish. Mentally, I always go out there with the attitude that I'm going to succeed, but there is a definite moment in every long run when you just KNOW. I'm really looking forward to that moment in the marathon whether it comes at 16 or 20 or 22 miles.

Part of me wonders if the marathon will be anti-climactic. I've enjoyed so many emotions during training and during the two races I've done. I'm looking forward to seeing if (at the finish) I will smile with happiness or cry with pride or puke from exhaustion. I guess we will see.

This week, my goals are:

• Read an enjoyable book to keep my mind off my anxiety
• Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate
• Eat well, focusing on carbs without going overboard
• Stretch several times per day
• Get enough sleep
• ENJOY my three 3 mile runs (actually one is supposed to be a walk)
• Rest my legs
• Think positively

So, if you've read this far. . . let me say this. . . . I'm excited and nervous and scared. . . . and because of that I will say . . . don't be afraid to send me your advice and well-wishes and thoughts this week . . . even if you've never left me a comment or sent me an email or talked to me about my running before . . . and even if you think that you've said it all before and that nothing you say will be unique. What I don't want to do is BEG for well-wishes because one of the most enjoyable things about my training and this blog has been the unexpected comments and feedback that I've received, but what I do want to do instead is let everyone know that I have savored each and every comment, every word of encouragement and every piece of advice I've received more than you'll ever know and that in the toughest moment of the marathon, I will draw on that support and make you proud!

Have a good week!